The biggest word in my house right now is normal. I'm not sure what it means, or how to get back there, but normal is where I'm shooting for. Since losing the baby I just feel- anything but normal. But I'm trying. Trying to make life normal again for my son. Who knew I was pregnant. He's a super smart boy who knew something was 'wrong' after 3 days of throwing up. Losing the baby was hard, trying to explain it to Little Bear was harder. But I think we are doing it. Getting back to normal that is. Yes- I'm still hurting but I know in my heart God has a plan. And even though I don't know what that is- I have Faith. I trust in Him. Not to give me what I want. But to be by my side.
So slowly, normal appears. Hubby went back to work yesterday. Laundry got washed. We played outside. Although pulling the covers over my head and ignoring the world. MY WORLD wakes me up at 7:30 to watch cartoons. MY WORLD wants to have a pillow fight. MY WORLD is only 4 and he wants (and NEEDS) his mama.
So yes, I'm hurting. Yes, I'm confused, and scared and even depressed. But denying my child here on earth my time and attention because I'm too focused on the one I've lost isn't fair to him. And I know that's not what God wants.
I have two angels in Heaven watching down over us. And I know one day we'll meet up in Heaven. But for now, I mourn silently when I'm by myself. I know that others mourn with us. I know that we have prayers being sent up for us. And I know my WORLD is in the next room waiting for mama to come play.
So onward to normal.....